


The Scientist

by IvanW



Series: Song Inspired Fics [21]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Breaking Up & Making Up, End of Mission, Love, M/M, Romance, Self-Reflection, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 15:27:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30141639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: Time for another song ficThe lyrics for The Scientist by Coldplay spoke Spirk to me. Check them out of you get a chance
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Series: Song Inspired Fics [21]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1487456
Comments: 29
Kudos: 78





	The Scientist

The day Jim Kirk had walked away from Spock had shocked him. There had been tears in Jim’s eyes as he’d done so, as though he was filled with regret for ending things with Spock, but he was going to do so anyway.

For a long time, Spock had stared after his former captain, unsure what had just happened and what he should do about it.

Their second five-year mission was through. Jim was about to take a promotion to the admiralty. Spock had assumed, wrongly, that he would be a part of Jim’s life in San Francisco, where he would settle working at Starfleet Headquarters.

It was at the beginning of their second five-year mission that he and Jim had finally become involved in a romantic relationship. At the end of the first mission, Spock and Nyota had parted ways for good. She’d wanted a commitment Spock had been unable or unwilling to give her. Spock never blamed her for ending things between them.

During their almost five years together since the beginning of the second five-years, Spock had thought everything quite satisfactory between him and Jim.

Certainly, there were times that Jim wanted more from Spock than Spock could give him. But Spock always carefully reminded Jim that he was a Vulcan and they did not view emotional attachment in quite the same way. Jim had always smiled back at Spock, nodded, and said, “Yes, I know, Spock. I get it.”

Only Jim had been lying.

As the mission began to reach its conclusion, everyone had speculated that Jim would sign up for a third five-year mission as the Enterprise’s captain. Spock had believed this as well since Jim never indicated otherwise.

So Spock himself was shocked to his core when Jim announced to the senior bridge crew, including him at the same time, that he would not be taking another mission and that he had in fact accepted a promotion to Admiral and would be stationed full time in San Francisco.

That had been the first indication Spock had that something had drastically changed between them. Perhaps he had missed other signs. He was the first to admit he didn’t always appreciate human subtly.

When Spock brought it up to Jim that he had made such a decision without ever even bringing it up to Spock, Jim had gotten this weird look in those extraordinary eyes of his.

“Spock, I love you.”

Spock had nodded, for Jim had said so many times since they’d been together.

But then, Jim had merely turned away and said nothing else. Spock had been left gaping after Jim like he’d once did when Jim said he’d miss him.

After that things got even stranger between them. They had always maintained their own quarters during their relationship. Spock had done so with Nyota too and he hadn’t seen a reason to change things. He preferred his own space and assumed Jim would be the same.

The first few times, Jim had asked Spock to stay with him after sex, but when Spock had been reluctant to do so, Jim had dropped it. Spock felt relief that the matter had resolved itself.

After Jim’s unexpected announcement about taking the promotion, Jim had ceased asking Spock to come to his quarters, even for sexual activity. It had been Spock’s experience that Jim was sometimes insatiable when it came to sex between them and Spock found himself feeling similar about their activities. In fact, when he’d experienced Pon Far during the third year of their second mission, Jim had kept up with Spock to an admirable degree.

But Jim suddenly came up with excuse after excuse not to have such contact with Spock. He’d discussed the matter with Nyota.

“I don’t know, Spock. I’m just as surprised by his behavior lately as you are,” Nyota told him over breakfast one morning. “He’s been reserved in a way I haven’t seen him since right before the Altamid incident. Scotty and I were shocked when he said he was taking that promotion.”

Shortly after Nyota had ended their relationship, she had begun one with Mr. Scott. When the mission ended, they planned to wed.

Spock was reluctant to broach the subject of Jim with Leonard, but if anyone on the Enterprise knew Jim as well as Spock did, it was certainly the doctor.

But Leonard had no more insight into Jim’s behavior than Nyota had. Or Spock didn’t think so, based on his cryptic remarks to Spock.

“Well, see, Spock. It’s probably because the word love isn’t written into your book.”

Spock frowned. “Explain.”

Leonard had sighed. “Why haven’t you ever asked Jim to bond with you?”

“Vulcan bonds are between Vulcans,” Spock replied.

“So, your parents never had a bond?”

“Not that I am aware of. A psi-null being would likely be unable to handle having their minds linked in that matter.”

Leonard made a face. “I see. I’m pretty sure I can’t help you, Spock.”

Spock had to agree.

And then Jim had turned Spock’s world upside down. They were leaving the Enterprise. Spock’s mind was on getting his own affairs in order so he could join Jim in some capacity in San Francisco. He would first have to travel to New Vulcan, but then eventually he would return to San Francisco. Would he need his own apartment or did Jim anticipate they would live together?

“Spock. Listen.”

Spock blinked. Jim had stopped and pulled him over to the side as other members of the crew departed. There was a closed off look in Jim’s eyes that Spock had been seeing a lot lately. It made him very uncomfortable, but he could not say why.

“Spock, I love you.”

Spock nodded. It was important to acknowledge Jim’s tender feelings.

Jim pursed his lips and looked away. When he looked back his eyes were cold.

“Do you know in the years we’ve been together you’ve never once said you loved me?”

“Vulcans do not view—”

“That’s crap. And you’re half human.”

“You know I have chosen to live fully as a Vulcan. In fact, prior to my joining Starfleet I gave serious consideration to—”

“Kolinahr. Yeah, you told me. You have no trouble being blunt and straight with me, Spock. I get it. We’ve never talked of bonding.”

“Vulcan bonds…” Spock began automatically.

“Or of marriage. You never did with Uhura either. Did you? You were with her for years and never even considered it.” Jim blew out a heavy breath. “People think I’m a commitment-phobe, but I have nothing on you.”

“I am not uncommitted to you.”

“You won’t even spend the night with me. Fucking five years and not once.”

Spock felt his heart pounding at a frenetic speed in his side. “If you had relayed—”

“I _did_. You shut that down. I’ve tried to be understanding. Tried to figure out that as a Vulcan you aren’t the same as me. I have. I’ve been patient about it. Hell, we went through your Pon Farr together and even than nothing. No talk of bonding. And if you’d given me, I don’t know, one scrap of something, maybe I could continue. I have no idea if you were even planning to come to San Francisco with me.”

“At first, I plan to go to New Vulcan, but then—”

“Don’t bother.”

Spock’s blood ran cold. “What?”

Jim shook his head. “This isn’t working for me anymore, Spock. I’ll always love you. But unrequited love is not for me. I can have a sexual relationship with whoever I want. But this…” He gestured between himself and Spock. “Is all that it is. You and I are not compatible. You’re all about science and progress. Numbers, figures. You like puzzles and logic. We’ve been running in circles, chasing our tails, and getting absolutely nowhere. In five _years_ , Spock. So maybe when you travel to New Vulcan, you should stay there.”

And Spock had absolutely no idea what to say. Nothing. In his side, he felt his heart shred at Jim’s harsh, cold words.

 _Heartache_.

Then Jim had walked away. Left Spock standing there alone.

“I…love…you.”

But it was too late.

****

It took far too long for Spock to find Jim. To locate where his new apartment in San Francisco was. He had a feeling Jim had tried to block him from learning the information. But Jim wasn’t the only one who had computer hacking skills.

Jim’s apartment was just two blocks down from Starfleet Headquarters. And it was on the third floor of the building. It was one of those security buildings where you had to be buzzed in to gain access, but Spock did not want Jim to have prior knowledge of his arrival, so Spock snuck in.

There was the uncomfortable, horrible idea that perhaps Jim was not alone. He had spoken of having sex with whomever he wanted, and Spock had always been aware that Jim could have anyone.

He knocked on the door and waited. Hoping Jim would answer. Unsure what he would do if Jim did not.

Spock’s superior hearing picked up a swear word and then footsteps approaching the door. Then the door was yanked open with a definite degree of violence.

Jim stared out at him. Flour dusted his face and hair. In his hands he held a kitchen towel. It was Jim’s turn, Spock supposed, to gape at him.

“Spock, what—”

“I love you,” Spock said, forcefully.

“What?”

“I love you. I cherish you. Worship you. If I do not get to spend the rest of my life with you, I do not know what I will do.”

Jim stepped aside and held the door wide. “Maybe you’d better come in.”

Spock nodded and rushed in before Jim could change his mind.

“How’d you get in?”

“On someone else’s coattails.”

Jim smiled slightly. “That’s cheating.”

“I would cheat to get to you,” Spock said simply. “I had to find you and tell you I need you. Your love…it was never unrequited. I-I was a fool. I thought the words…” Spock shook his head. “It does not matter what I thought. I was wrong. I want to go back to the start.”

“What? Spock, you aren’t making any sense.”

“Yes,” Spock agreed. “From the beginning I should have told you and I did not. I have always been afraid of the strength and depth of my emotions. I have tried to repress them as I have been taught they are to be reviled. And it cost me so much. Please, tell me it has not cost me you.”

Jim said nothing at all. Just stood staring at Spock, flour everywhere.

“Tell me you love me,” Spock said, hoarsely.

“I love you, Spock.”

“Taluhk nash-veh k’dular.” Spock stepped close to Jim. Wiped flour by Jim’s mouth with his thumb. “And I will never stop saying it if you will bond with me.”

“Bond? But I thought—”

“I was wrong about so many things. Including that. I spoke with my father, my parents were bonded. My mother had no trouble with the Vulcan bond, with their mind link. It was a comfort to both of them. Jim, science and logic do not speak as loud as my heart. Please allow me to be with you. Here, And everywhere.”

Jim smiled, slowly and sweetly. The cold distance in his blueberry eyes was gone to be replaced by tender affection that stole Spock’s breath.

“Come. I’m making bread.”

“Bread?”

Jim laughed. “Lots of free time on my hands. Come on, sweetheart, you can help me.”

Spock stopped Jim from moving away. “Then you will bond with me? You will marry me? Be my husband and bondmate?”

Jim kissed him. And Spock knew that was his answer.

The heartache was gone.


End file.
